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Writing Contest Entries for 2003
2003 Entries: One | Two | Three | Four
Please note: I can not post every entry but I will post the best ones! It is my assumption that the errors are deliberate. If this is not so and you enter, please tell me that it is ok to edit your entry. Jac
Entry One:
Vote for
This Entry (This one, so far, has my vote. I laughed so hard I had tears
in my eyes)
Dear John/Jane Smith:
We at Literature-Awards.com express our deepest regrets for a number of things
(please note that I say "things," because I am a wordsmith, and
"things" is the superior term to "stuff.")
Thing one: We are sorry that you seem to be suffering from Disassociative
Identity Disorder and/or gender confusion. Get well soon.
Second thing: We apologize for not recognizing much sooner (please note that I
really like the word "soon" and its derivatives) that your novel, "Why
Pigs Are Penned" is a work of superior artistic merit. Because you are a unique
literary talent, 20 lines of your novel will be included in the next
anthology to be published by The International Society of Literature Guys,
entitled "Deep Whispery Dreams Along the Mystic Beach." We are sure that you
will want to purchase some of these marvelous units for all your friends and
relatives. These rare keepsake anthologies are handcrafted by Cambodian
schoolchildren on corrasible bond, bound in Day-Glo Lucite, available for the
special low price of just $49.95 (plus shipping and handling, plus tax)
available only to rare literary talents. Others who are NOT rare literary
talents pay A LOT more, lemme tell ya
The other things: Of COURSE the Nobel Prize Laureate for Literature Awards are
not fixed or fraudulent. If they were, would we have nominated you for
"Literature Guy of the Year?" Yes, John/Jane Smith, you have been
nominated for the prestigious Silver Sucker Award ($175.00 retail value,) a
prize SO prestigious and really really big that you might want to bring an empty
suitcase to our convention just so you can haul it home.
The presentation ceremony will be held at a secret site in Nevada, the location
of which has been disclosed only to those giants of the Literary
Guy World who have already been invited (major publishing figure-type people,
celebrity authors such as William Shatner, and special guest presenter Isaac the
Bartender from "The Love Boat.") We keep it a secret because we don't want
journalists from "The Star," "The Globe," "The Examiner," "20/20," or "Inside
Report" to paparazzi our attending creative genii. Directions to the
super-exclusive gathering-place of literati (note how many times I use Latin
pluralizations, which I do because
I am pretentious) will be disseminated (disseminated!) to those nominees who
enroll NOW and who send the $6,798.00 fee. (Fee covers accommodation, enrollment
in all seminars, and presentation banquet - please indicate
whether you want chicken or sea bass. Does not include ground
transportation, airfare, other meals, or miscellaneous expenditures, which
shall be the responsibility of the attendee.) We will tell you where to go
once your cheque has cleared.
We at Literature-Awards dot com again congratulate
you on your unique creative talent! We look forward to receiving your
order for the SPLENDIFEROUS anthology in which your work will appear! And
we know we will surely see a genius like you at the Literary Guys Convention!
YOU MAY ALREADY BE A WINNER!
Sincerely,
Lotta B. Lonea
A Really Big Literary-Type Person
Literature-Awards.com
Best Regards,
Jody "I really could use a new coffee mug" Martens-Forrester
Vote for
Jody
Entry Two: This Entry Emphasizes why I am having a writing contest! At times this site is a reading comprehension test! No, you can't vote for this one!
For my love Llwellyn Iokepa Foster
How can I feel?
the joy to care, When nothing seems real,
for I've lived in despair.
How can I see?
all your hurt & pain, when emotions to me,
seem clear as rain.
How can I hear?
my hearts fast beat, When my heart seems to fear,
the power of defeat.
How can I do?
the things that you say, when I'm just a fool,
Trying to live day by day.
How can I be?
the one that you hug, when I'm just me,
with no one to love.
Now I can be,
Now I can do,
Now I can see,
Because of you....
Entry Three: Vote for This Entry
Dear John/Jane Smith, author:
I acknowledge receipt of your courageous request to be included among the
candidates for the next Nobel Prize for Literature -- which was delivered to me
via Camel Air, transported via Gnu-Land Livery Service, transferred to itinerant
Italian couriers (who
daringly traversed through eight hostile Zoto-Litzo tribal territories),
followed by 17 Amazon River portages (pursued by 14 pastel-colored Prazzi-Prazzi
pigmies), and, finally by carrier pigeon, arriving only this morning at my
Gulla-Gulla hut. This humble abode is where all candidates' work is chosen for
future Nobel Prizes, and where three finalists must come to be interviewed,
braving wars, beasts, hostile natives, famine, snakes, croco-gators, and angry,
armed, urban rebels. Alas, you no doubt are aware that NO awards were
given for two previous years due to 'no-shows (they were never heard from
again!) Should you still wish to remain on the list of specimens -- er
--possible candidates, kindly sign and return this letter to the above return
address:
Gulla-Gulla Hut 13, IZ-TU, Central
AKWAZ, 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-(no 3-native superstition) 2-1.
I await your visit. How delicious it will be!
Sincerely, jacmac
Vote
for This Entry
Entry Four: Vote for This Entry
Dear Mr. Smith!
Please accept my sincere apology, Mr. Smith.
I have already recommended that masterpiece two times at Nobel Prize Committee,
in the Agricultural Chemistry. But it is my great regret that it was
rejected two times. The fact was that it was too much literary to contribute to
the technology for nourishing pigs cost-effectively and not judged appropriate
and fitting to the development of the great and beautiful
literatures of the world.
Yes, I will pig you, oh! sorry, pick you definitely next time again. It will be
then the first time for me to recommend you a great writer for the beautiful
literature.
Hoping that you will win the Prize soon. If you win, please send me eight big
pigs, freight prepaid to the following name and address:
Ayie Atawi Atawi Pig Farms, 3-3-2 Pen-Pen Grass Street, Eight Big Pig City,
Tokyo, Japan
129-0732 (name and address not changed to protect the guilty)
P.S. Please confirm by return whether or not the title of your greatest
novel ever written is not Why Pigs are Penned but Why Penns are pigged.
Because the latter is popular for its reasonable naming here in our language.
And that masterpiece was already picked up several times in book critique
columns of the large news papers in the past. Naturally, my next step is subject
to your answer.
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This Entry
Writing Contest 2003
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