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Bulwer/Lytton Fiction Contest 2002
The Works of Edward Bulwer-Lytton
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Grand Prize Winning Entries 1983 -2002
Grand Prize 2002: On reflection, Angela perceived that her relationship with Tom had always been rocky, not quite a roller-coaster ride but more like when the toilet-paper roll gets a little squashed so it hangs crooked and every time you pull some off you can hear the rest going bumpity-bumpity in its holder until you go nuts and push it back into shape, a degree of annoyance that Angela had now almost attained. Ms. Rephah Berg Oakland CA
The Bulwer/Lytton Fiction Contest was conceived to honor the memory of Victorian novelist Edward George Earl Bulwer-Lytton, encourage word play, and promote the universal improvement of mankind, the contest challenges entrants to compose bad opening sentences to imaginary novels. Bulwer was selected as patron of the competition because he opened his novel Paul Clifford (1830) with the immortal words, "It was a dark and stormy night." Lytton is also responsible for the line, "The pen is mightier than the sword," and the expression "the great unwashed." His best known work is probably The Last Days of Pompeii.
This year's contest again drew thousands of entries from the United States and Canada and from such international locales as England, Ireland, Scotland, Denmark, Sweden, Switzerland, France, Portugal, Israel, Australia, New Zealand, Malaysia, India, West Africa, South Africa, Singapore, and China.
Contest judging took on a new dimension this year. Instead of the usual panel of undistinguished judges drawn from academia, this year's judges consisted of last year's winner, Gary Dahl, and a group of Silicon Valley technical and marketing writers. To honor this change, the contest has inaugurated a new Silicon Valley category. Meanwhile, another collection of contest entries is on the drawing board (to use an inappropriate metaphor). The next will be fetchingly entitled, The Brothers Dark and Stormy.
Grand Prize Runner-Up:
The professor looked down at his new young lover, who rested fitfully, lashed as she was with duct tape to the side of his stolen hovercraft, her head lolling gently in the breeze, and as they soared over the buildings of downtown St. Paul to his secret lair he mused that she was much like a sweet ripe juicy peach, except for her not being a fuzzy three-inch sphere produced by a tree with pink blossoms and that she had internal organs and could talk. Charles Howland St. Paul, MN
Winner: Detective
Chief Inspector Blancharde knew that this murder would be easy to solve - despite the fact that the clever killer had apparently dismembered his victim, run the corpse through a chipper-shredder with some Columbian beans to throw off the police dogs, and had run the mix through the industrial-sized coffee maker in the diner owned by Joseph Tilby (the apparent murder victim)--if only he could figure out who would want a hot cup of Joe. Matthew Chambers Hambleton WV
Winner: Purple Prose
The blood dripped from his nose like hot grease from a roasting bratwurst pierced with a fork except that grease isn't red and the blood wasn't that hot and it wasn't a fork that poked him in the nose but there was a faint aroma of nutmeg in the air and it is of noses we speak not to mention that if you looked at it in the right profile, his nose did sort of look like a sausage. Jim Sheppeck Farmington, NM
Winner: Science Fiction
It was a dark and silent night in Pluto, a planet nobody had ever taken seriously because of its name, which reminded us of the funny cartoon dog, and it being so far from the sun and having no atmosphere, which seemed unimportant as it was, obviously, lifeless - we thought - in those happy and carefree days when all the world had to worry about was war, famine, pestilence, and death. Anna Rotenberg Sao Paulo, Brazil
Winner: Western
Doc Parker looked down as Sheriff Eddie LaDuke lay desperately gasping his final breaths in the dusty sun-baked Arizona desert, knowing there was little he could do as the outlaw's bullet had shredded Eddie's internal organs like fresh coleslaw, leaving Doc to ponder his next move equipped only with his pistol, some chewing tobacco, and now, one extra horse. Mike Madill Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Winner: Romance
Hermann lay with Esmeralda, entwined with one another among love-tangled sheets and he thought how this one constant yet mercurial woman was one whom he could hold in his arms forever, although eventually he'd have to get up to go to the bathroom. Vance Atkins Seattle, WA 98103
Winner: Vile Pun
It wasn't a dark and stormy night when the Russian space station burned up in its final descent through the atmosphere, so it cast a glow on the face of a young Fiji girl sitting on the beach, causing her boy friend sitting next to her to utter, "Bei MIR bist du schoen." Jerome Radding, M.D. Laguna Woods, CA
Runner-Up:
The giant ape's broken body lay upon the asphalt and I didn't know which had finally done him in -- the planes' machine guns, the fall from atop the building, or maybe just a broken heart -- but it was all so heart-wrenching, so tragic, his climbing the Empire State Building just to get a glimpse of that woman's gorgeous derriere, and the sheer waste of it all finally prompted me to pronounce my own benediction over his great, furry carcass: "'Twas booty killed the beast!" Justin Gustainis Plattsburgh, NY
Winner: Adventure
The sun beat like a molten hammer upon the sand that Jasper trudged upon, scorching his bare skin, baking his eyeballs dry, boiling his brains in his skull, and bleaching his hair to that lovely yellowy shade that perfectly matched his taupe shirt, the one that he could wear with either his suede jacket or the denim one. Geoff Blackwell, Bundaberg Australia
Children's Literature:
Dorothy could hardly believe her ears as the uniformed Munchkin reeled off the citations: flying without a license, flying an unregistered building, reckless flying causing injury or death, parking in an unauthorized place, double-parking (vertical), failure to give way to pedestrians, failure to indicate, 2nd-degree witch slaughter, and closing her eyes she fervently prayed, "Please, I want to go home . . ." Matthew Roscoe Auckland, New Zealand
Winner: Dark & Stormy Night Category
It was a stark and dormie night at the University of Texas as the on-campus residents poured into the central quad, where the shimmering, wafting, piercing, soaking beams from an authentic Longhorn cheese moon lit the walls of the encircling buildings the way a really large flashlight using AA batteries dimly brightens a cavernous mineshaft, for the results of the city leaders' baking contest, hoping that they'd be able to shag some pies from the Austin Powers. Bill Crowley, Santa Rosa, CA 95409
Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
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