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Literature-Awards Writing Contest
Entry Rules and guidelines | Vote for the 2003 Winner!
Become the next Mark Twain! Show your "Dave Barry" potential! The Basic Rule - Supply a humorous response to the following (actually received) letter:
"Dear Sir!
I must know why it is that I, who is so very deserving, has not as yet won the Nobel Prize. You must pick me! No one is as great a writer as myself! No one. Be sure to make me the next Nobel Prize laureate.
I thank you and I am sure that I will win the next Nobel! Unless it is fixed and fraudulent, of course!
John/Jane Smith, author of the greatest novel ever written Why Pigs are Penned" (name and title changed to protect the guilty) Send your entry to: Literature Awards Contest
The Entries are far outnumbered by actual ridiculous mail but such is life.
The Winner Lance Polin!
His Winning Entry:
1 Dear Sir or Madam
The reason you have been overlooked for the Nobel Prize thus far could, in fact, be described in the very letter you've sent. Let us break it down for further explanation:
Now as you very well know the Nobel Prize for Literature is for a full body of work; the growing and expanding ideas of a creative mind who has used their abilities to illuminate the world. In you letter what comes across is someone wrapped up in their own misguided sense of glory; the words of a whining, arrogant individual who, while perhaps quite talented, defines themselves within their very work as someone more interested in bragging and boasting of accomplishment than in seeking to unfurl the mysteries of the world. My advice would been to pool those internalized resources and express your bitterness not towards we who award greatness but towards those who have caused you to desire such widespread international accolades in the first place
I eagerly await your developments and look forward to seeing your praise became a reality.
Sincerely,
Lance Polin, protectorate of the Nobel Prize, Literature (department 749-XJC41-000003973)
2
Dear Mr. Chatterjee,
Thank you for your note. I have no idea about the background of those people at
Nobel, but I have many years experience in dealing with literary awards and I
think your writing is absolutely dynamite!
I have made an in depth study of all of the major award winners spanning over 50
years and there are certain criteria which they all seem to have in common:
Printed: They are all printed on good quality paper.
Published: They have been published by an established publisher.
Blurbs: They usually have these catchy little reviews and recommendations on the
cover.
If you would care to forward your manuscript, I will be happy to perform the
following services, for a small fee: professional editing, publishing,
presentation and promotion. Your book will be published in hardcover on the
finest quality papers (gold leaf embossing is available at an additional
charge). I shall supply suitable blurbs for the book jacket, designed to catch
the eye of the various awards committees. The secret of successful blurbs is in
the editing. For example, the following review was received regarding a first
novel by an author who shall remain nameless: “This is a prime example of the
drivel being produced in the name of literature in America today. This is not a
book which you will be unable to put down, rather, I would suggest that you do
not even pick it up!”
This can be edited with validity: “This is a prime example … of literature in
America today. This is … a book which you will be unable to put down …
pick it up!”
As you can see from the above, the secret is in the editing and I shall be happy
to offer this service to you. Please contact me for a full fee schedule. You may
also contact me directly by telephone at 1-900- 4AWARDS [1-900-429 2737].
These are only a few of the services which we can provide. You may also be
interested in our Great Literature Annotation Service. We can provide you with a
selection of award winning books with hand-written notes and comments already
written in the margins. Certain passages will be underlined and notes like “How
true!”, “Reminiscent of Joyce at his most poignant”, “How poor Jonathan would
have agreed with this” and suchlike. Supply us with a sample of your own
handwriting and our team of experts shall make the annotations in a selection of
pens and pencils (Crayola crayon for children’s literature). Books can be
supplied in any quantity, by the foot if necessary for larger bookcases. Your
friends will be fooled into believing that you have read all of these books and
you shall gain immediate respect in their view.
I look forward to hearing from you again. Please feel free to contact me should
you wish to avail yourself of these services.
Yours sincerely,
Flannery McCorquodale
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